My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
I have fuck me eyes 4/5 people agree. It's like doctors or dentists but with ppl who have lots of sex and know these things.
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
That's the 2nd med student that has had his tongue in my butthole, what gives.
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
Randomize
