I wannas sexs uuuuu
I sk at the spereo and my dad gave me and all access pass
what???
AN ALL ACCESS PASSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS
Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
Randomize
