So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
sending him nudies in gran's hospital bathroom. you?
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
I saw your dick pic and thought there goes the last thread of my heterosexuality.
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
i think i just lost a toe
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
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