"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
I'm worried someone is gonna take a black light to my work computer. But the connection is faster here.
Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Standing straight up with intensity he came in his own mouth. I know this because he showed me the video from five different angles when asked if I would like him to demonstrate. And I did.
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