I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
May i just say it is extremely difficult to pee in a cape
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
Please tell me you haven’t left campus yet!!!! I forgot my Hitachi and will not survive Thanksgiving without a steady supply of orgasms
Randomize
