Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
Randomize
