I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
There is no excuse for watching a Jesse McCartney movie.
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
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