Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
There is no way he is gay with that hair.
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
Randomize
