I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
I'm not entirely sure what we did is legal in the U.S., but I know that couple wont be the same
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
So our night ended with 6 cruisers, a fire truck, and an ambulance. Also, lots of blood. How was yours?
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