There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
so all night Ive been that girl with her tits out @ the bar. I mean I dropped jaws, yo. But in a classy way.
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
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