Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
I don't think so, think I've only met him once, the night I lost my teeth
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
Fall is here I will miss walking downtown in nothing but paint and pasties
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
Just sold my panties for 40 bucks to some rando dude at the gay bar. I think I found a way to fund next years spring break trip. Hello cancun!
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