That's why you don't touch shit after fingering somebone
Question. If Kwik Trip and Kum and Go were to merge, what would they call it? Kwik Kum or Kum Kwik?
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
did i tell you guys i finally 69’d for the first time last night? just thought the group chat should know.
Randomize
