you think thats bad? Today I had to pop a zit on my sack.
Best friends brother. Beat that.
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
Randomize
