i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
he thought i was a dude.
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
Just a smidgen more estrogen and shed be golden
She's got a legit dose of dude going on
No kidding. All she needs is a cheek full of chewing tobacco and I'd have fucked John wayne.
I really hope the fuck ferry pays me a visit to close out 2011 properly.
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
You ate ashes out of my bong
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
Randomize
