my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
...I think I just watched a boy make a sandwich seductively. What.
I wonder if go pro can customize a cock ring so I don't have to hold the camera anymore
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
Randomize
