I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
Randomize
