ice luge is my downfall...
...u mean upfall.
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
I take pleasure in knowing how many gallons of booze we've put away in comradery.
I think we should measure in "bathtubs"
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
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