sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
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