hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
The football player sitting in front of me just googled himself. Only 4 articles came up. That's why he plays at Utah State.
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
I'm sure I'll run in to him again, there's only so many VA detoxes.
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
So apparently I’m into choking now
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