What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
IM NOT LETTING YOU PEE ON ME IF THATS WHAT YOURE GETTING AT.
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
There something liberating about walking through the dorm hallways without pants on.
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
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