If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
My only expectation is honesty. And three orgasms every time.
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
Randomize
