I changed my mind about Tim Gunn. I like him now. Mostly because he said someone's dress looks like a gay t-rex. Or something.
Girls gone wild is like the hills, except sexy and it doesnt suck
That ginger could cleveland steamer me and it would still be the best day of my life
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
Heed the warning of the ghost of Oktoberfest present: German beer is soooooooo much better than our watered down children's piss. also lost all my clothes and am wearing lederhosen the rest of the trip.
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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