I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
I mean thanks for the bj but i wanna forget everything that happened last night between 11 and 5
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
You're like the Miss Manners of anonymous gay sex.
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