just come out here and I will go home with you...
is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
Hypothetically speaking, when I get a sugar glider would it be frowned upon to bring it Ito classes with me in m pocket?
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
Randomize
