1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
Fine. I'll sleep in my office
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
Is it wrong I want to seduce my ex to prove the point to his current gf he's an ass?
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
Theyll love you, its bunch of older ladies who drink whisky and sours and talk about the sex seans in Game of Throwns
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
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