I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
thank you whoever used my nalgene as a flask. pregamin in chem
He tied me to the bed, fucked me and left me tied up until he proved to his room mates that he actually fucked me. But other than that, best sex ever!
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
Did you wake up next to Karina?
So that's her name
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
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