i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
my goal is to masturbate without thinking about my exbf.
Yeah I'm gunna date him. I figure its regular sex and maybe feelings will come in time...it worked for arranged marriages...
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
2048oz a keg...divide that by solo cup... comes out to 128 beers...simplifies into 5.3repeating cases...drinkable between two people
and u failed math?
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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