I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
He asked if he could fuck me while on chat roulette.
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
Randomize
