if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
I'm listening to bach and watching porn,is that a sign of depression?
Quite the contrary. Sophistication.
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
Me and Phil are just drawing pictures of thumbs in different costumes during lecture. I love being a senior.
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
I've never had goosebumps on my dick before. It was definitely not a bad feeling.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
Of course it may just be the context. A dish of dog food would look lovely next to your breasts.
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
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