goodnight i made you a song goodbye
just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
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