I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
Turns out you're obligated under man law to share any passwords you may have for porno sites
Is that what they're teaching u at that bar review class?
worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
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