I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
im almost positive that in mid thrust she told me she was pro choice
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
he can suck his own dick, i cant compete with that
He asked if we were going to take advantage of his drunken state. When we said no he tired to show us what we were missing out on. It was so sad it almost made him cute.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
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