I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
her nose should be used as a dorsal fin
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
Randomize
