So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
honestly, magaritas are the void men can't fill.
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
not totally sure where im at but i think i've definitely woken up on this couch before. bong on the coffee table looks familiar. should be able to find my way home
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
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