Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
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