the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
I'm doing somethin that's never been done before...the 10 am booty call come over
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
Randomize
