seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
why is there an outline of nathan's body on my wall in whip cream?
there was 12 of us, girls included, shirtless and wielding swords as we bet on rock paper scissors in the middle of the bar. It was like Cinco de Mayo version of the Deer Hunter
I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
This whole brainwashing thing is easy!
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