she woke up with a sticky ear
she's just sitting in a corner ripping all of the filters off her menthols
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
Randomize
