I enjoy that i have a whole shelf of clothes that I've accumulated from random sex. You know the ones you get to make the morning after look less awkward like similar to an athletes trophy shelf
No shame. Just smoked a bowl with a Norwegian. Feels like something to cross off a list.
I am the poster child for what not to do during sex. Soon they will be calling an undesired position after me
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
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