you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
we didnt plan anything. just randomly met up in the park, both reached into our pockets and each lit up a joint without exchanging words. we're telepathic potheads.
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
seriously, who doesn't want to get shitfaced and have sex to the backstreet boys?
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
Randomize