He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
she said shes getting her period tomorrow so she wants to have sex now. i didnt object. it would have been heartless.
ofcourse you didnt.
I feel I need to conquer him. He's six ft eight and 265lbs. Its like the mount Everest of sex.
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
Come over I need help. I just almost died in an acid flashback while listening to do You Feel Like We Do off of the Frampton Comes Alive album.
Randomize
