I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
I remeber being on the roof last night and we put our heads togeather and we touched each others face and said "Hennessyyyy"
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
I woke up completely naked with the exception of my leg warmers. Last night must have been interesting.
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
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