You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
Hmmm. I never knew the difference. I've done either one and had stronger or weaker versions but usually if i took enough, i tripped balls. That should be a PSA for kids... if you take drugs and the drugs are weak, just take more drugs... The More You Know
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
Hahahaha .. If it makes you feel better I had a sex dream about a cheeseburger last night so I feel like we both lose.
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
Well, we 69'd in the Jacuzzi. If that tells you the kind of night I had. Neither of us knew we could hold our breath that long. Deff. Most. Dangerous. Sex. Ever.
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
Randomize
