You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
I didn't say she couldn't, I said you shouldn't.
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
Randomize
