Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
they just tried to tell me they weren't big into drugs. A) it was the 70's. B) I've seen the pictures.
We had sex on a ferris wheel in canada, our relationship will never be the same
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
sorry for laughing and taking pictures while you were having an asthma attack on st. patricks day
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
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