I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
He got naked after doing the Ice Water Challenge and it was still enormous. So, yeah, I stayed over.
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
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