I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
So the guy sitting next to me is watching dungeons and dragons on youtube. I didnt realize you could get more pathetic than actually playing the game.
his extensive knowledge of the age of consent laws kinda scares me....
we kept pushing you at the prospective students saying go for it, itll make them want to come here
you kept yelling THIS ONES FOR THE ADMISSIONS OFFICE and then youd go in for the kill
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
There is what appears to be urine on the woman's bathroom sink. I just have so many questions right now.
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
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