Running into every girl no one would hook up with here at rick's. Typical.
I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab...
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
The candles are lit, the magic circle is drawn, now all we need to do is get naked and see how many orgasms we can manage.
Lately I've been very attracted to Kevin Jonas because he's like...less hot than Joe, but he's this healthy mix of both Joe and Nick. It looks like he's finally growing into himself.
If I don’t find a quality dick soon I’m going to beg the neighbor for another threesome with her and her husband. It’s like Covid killed all the quality penis Vegas normally has
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