Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
why does my status of facebook already read REHAB 2011
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
Drunk
Deyhxbr
Fucaerrrrr
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
Randomize
