and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
Dilemma. I'm out of wine and I can't put on clothes to go to the liquor store bc I just got spray tanned. If this isnt white girl problems I don't know what is.
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Randomize