that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
I know its been a few months but you must know you hve the 2nd biggest dick I've ever seen. 1st place went to a rapper so don't feel bad.
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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