If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
She has an inverted nipple. She told to play with the normal one until the other one pops up.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
Randomize
