if i can run in heels then i can drive
even a "fuck you" would be nice at this point.
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
I just met his other fuck buddy...I am thinking of befriending her just to fuck with him...manuplating my roommates into hating each other is boring me i need something else to do
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
I'm attracted to him because he looks like the kind of guy who would lick my asshole without me having to ask.
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
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