that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
dont try to nair your balls. i speak from experience
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
Well when we Get drunk it gets rowdy. We could always attempt self-control. But historically and statistically speaking, we fail at that.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
