you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
Randomize
