I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
Gross thing of the day...i got cum in my new boots
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Randomize
