Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
About to find out how well alcohol and lazer tag mix.
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
I gather from Facebook you got drunk last night and took semi naked pictures of yourself?
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
Omfg 7 hour sex session who am I?
PS: I think I'm in love
Ability to walk tomorrow tbd
Randomize
