soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
Woke up in a car, do you own a silver car parked a few miles form the house...hope so
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
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