I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
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