Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
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