i don't think you understand, blowjobs are like flowers for guys.
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
I think it's god's punishment for my behavior in Vegas . Lies were told. Angels were defiled. Pools were pissed in
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
i'm the most scandalous girl at stop and shop. i kinda have to fuck him in the meat cooler.
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
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