she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
One last question would your parents let me sleep in your bathtub for the night?
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
Let the clothes fall where they may.
Randomize
